


Wilting

by maknaehwi



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Deephwi, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Jinhwi Fic Fest Round 1, M/M, Poetry, jinhwi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2018-12-22 02:36:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11957940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maknaehwi/pseuds/maknaehwi
Summary: This is my entry for Jinhwi Fic Fest Round 1. Prompt #75 - Dreaming





	Wilting

**Author's Note:**

> This is my entry for Jinhwi Fic Fest Round 1. Prompt #75 - Dreaming

There are many degrees of showing your love and affection for someone. The brave choose be open and freely exclaim this love that they feel but that isn't the case for everyone. Love is a universal language that can be expressed even without a world or letter. In a way, those who love in silence are the bravest, topping those who are able to speak their heart out. The bravest are those who love without expecting anything in return. They are the ones who suffer yet put on a facade to ensure that their loved one will never see their pain. They are the ones who learn to love themselves in the process of loving someone else. They are the ones that love the most but are loved the least. They are the ones who have always been beside you but remain to be at your side as you gaze upon someone else.  
  
There's a saying that you shouldn't fall in love with your best friend, because when you fall for them, you will get hurt. If you love them in a romantic way, there will always be that lingering worry of putting your friendship at stake. You fear that loving them will mean creating a possibility of losing them because they might not be able to accept those feelings of yours. But if you choose to love them without expecting anything in return, that will be a different story.

* * *

  
**January 1st, 12:00 AM KST**  
  
At midnight on January 1st, the sight of fireworks reflected on the surface of Han River was only second to the spectacle that Lee Daehwi witnessed that New Year's Eve. What could beat the infamous view? Only Lee Daehwi appreciated such a view and only he was able to adore it. On that New Year's Eve, he watched Bae Jinyoung in fascination, the way Jinyoung admired the night sky barraged with fireworks. He observed how Jinyoung's eyes glistened the entire evening, how his lips were slightly parted in amazement, how he seemed so at peace while watching the sky show in contrast to the cheers and noise from other spectators.  
  
Daehwi's heart chose Jinyoung, it chose to love him. The boy had no control over it, but not for one second did he look away nor doubt what his heart was telling him. Of all the people in the world, Daehwi was happy that his heart chose to love his best friend, more than the presumed label they had for each other. But he knew that this love should not be expressed, he knew that this love should be kept locked away but still acknowledged by only himself.  
  
"Happy New Year," Jinyoung greeted Daehwi with a gentle smile. As soon as Daehwi realizes that he had been staring at Jinyoung, he chuckles to conceal his embarrassment and the butterflies in his stomach. Jinyoung patted his best friend on the head like he always does before diverting his attention back to the fireworks.  
  
If this was the only time he can express his newly found love then he'll take the risk. Daehwi moved a bit and hugged Jinyoung from the front. "Happy New Year," he says as he buries his face on Jinyoung's chest. It shocked Jinyoung but a few seconds later he returns the hug to express his gratitude. "Let's be best friends till the end, alright?" Daehwi mutters and Jinyoung, in reply, tightens his hug.  
  
Silently, Daehwi prayed for the evening to last longer and for time to go slower.  
  
Please don't let this end.

  
**February 13th, 2:35 PM KST**  
  
They appreciated the arts together. Even though they appreciated two different variations of art, they both found time to share what they were interested in or bring up what they were working on. Daehwi leans towards photography and singing more while Jinyoung enjoys literature, especially poetry. On days when they didn't meet up for their usual walk after school, they would text each other lines from newly written poems and reply with a picture of a scenery. And when they do meet up, both of them would make sure to bring some of their materials and sources and the other would ask for the other to be their muse. Their friendship worked mysteriously but nonetheless, neither of them complained because without each other, they'd be different from who they are now.  
  
It was Jinyoung who inspired Daehwi to pursue photography and singing, while it was Daehwi who inspired Jinyoung to write his heart out in every piece he wrote. At first, when they started with such, each photograph stanza had no life and lacked so much. They were talented, but just lacked the inspiration to aim higher. One day when Daehwi brought up how he started photography, Jinyoung admitted that he also started a new hobby which was writing.  
  
"Every picture I've taken lacks that special something," Daehwi sighs as Jinyoung looks through the mini portfolio that his friend brought with him. As much as Daehwi wanted to drown in his disappointment, he carefully watched Jinyoung, expecting a reaction of some sort.  
  
"These photos feel empty for me," Jinyoung says as he puts down the portfolio. It wasn't his intention to come off as cold or to offend Daehwi, because as someone who also dabbles in the arts, criticism is important. "You know that feeling you get when you see a box of cereal but it's empty? That sort of feeling is what I get when I looked at these."  
  
Daehwi felt upset at the feedback he received but he was satisfied to hear such honesty from his best friend. Even he was aware that the pictures lacked a lot, and if Jinyoung had lied to him, he wouldn't be able to continue doing photography. "What do you suggest I do?" He asks his friend who brought out his own notebook.  
  
"I can tell that you take pictures of anything that seems good enough but none of the pictures show what you love or are passionate about. Am I correct?" Jinyoung asks Daehwi who just nodded in agreement to what he said. "Well then, the only thing I can suggest to you is to take pictures of the things you love, not just what people want to see."  
  
"What if the thing you mentioned, isn't actually a thing but a person?"  
  
"I don't see a reason why you can't take photographs of someone. But may I ask who that person is?"  
  
He didn't expect Jinyoung to ask him who his desired muse was, but at the same time he wanted Jinyoung to pry. Of course his palms were sweaty because he was afraid of making his friend feel awkward at the sudden indirect confession. He took a few seconds to breathe, which proved to be difficult because Jinyoung had his eyes on Daehwi the entire time as he waited for an answer.  
  
"Will you hate me if I said I wanted to take photographs of you?" Daehwi sheepishly said, his ears turning reddish from the embarrassment. It scared him and at the same time made him curious of what Jinyoung would say in reply.  
  
"I'd actually do the opposite because I'd love to."  
  
In that moment, Daehwi saw how Jinyoung's eyes glistened the way it did on New Year's Eve.

  
  
**February 14th, 9:50 PM KST**  
  
On the day where love was in the air, Daehwi sat at home looking through his new collection of pictures. After Jinyoung's willingness to become his muse, he did not waste a single minute. He dragged his best friend to the nearest park and told him to do poses by the slides and swings, even on the rides meant for children. Every moment was captured, moments where Jinyoung was posing and moments that were candid. And on that evening of Valentine's, Daehwi kept himself feeling warm and contented by scrolling through the pictures he had saved onto his laptop.  
  
A few minutes later his phone receives a notification from his one and only best friend. He immediately grabbed his phone and moved over to lay on his bed. He unlocked his phone to the check message.  
  
From: Sodu Jinyounggie  
It's Valentine's day but my beloved best friend forgot about me :(  
  
Daehwi giggles at the text Jinyoung had sent him. Every year the both of them would spend Valentine's Day together, cuddled up on a couch while they watched a sappy romcom. This year Daehwi had assumed that his best friend would be out on a date because he suddenly became popular when they entered high school, but apparently he was just feeling jealous of the girls Jinyoung hung out with when they weren't together.

  
  
**To: Sodu Jinyounggie**  
_**Come over and lets cuddle :)**_

  
  
**From: Sodu Jinyounggie**  
**_I'm one step ahead of you. Look outside you window ;)_**

  
  
As instructed by his friend, Daehwi stood up and looked outside his window. There, illuminated by the light post, Jinyoung stood with a box of pizza and and an even smaller box placed on top of the pizza's. It was enough to make Daehwi's heart flutter and quickly run downstairs to meet his late night visitor.  
  
The moment Daehwi unlocked the gate to let his best friend inside, he didn't have any time to think because Jinyoung was the first to make a move that night by hugging his small framed best friend. It took a minute for Daehwi to realize the situation he was in but as soon as he understood what was going on, he hugged his best friend with the same vigor.  
  
And just like any other Valentine's Day, they spent it together all cuddled up on Daehwi's couch watching some sappy romcom they've watched multiple times already. The only difference was that one of them was loving the other in silence.

  
  
**March 30th, 11:25 PM KST**  
  
"Yeah, I got the package today," Daehwi says over the phone while he examines the package that came from his mother. "What? You want me to open it?" Daehwi ask with a frustrated tone. It's difficult not having your mother or anyone with you. International calls are so expensive but the only thing Daehwi could do was be thankful that his mother is willing to pay a lot for an hour long call once a week.  
  
"Daehwi-ah, please open the envelope. I have to go soon."  
  
"Why can't you just tell me what's inside?" Daehwi sighs as he leans on the wall. The package made Daehwi's stomach churn and his palms sweat that's why he keeps trying to get his mother to talk.  
  
"Please check it out soon, I have to go."  
  
"Mom-" Daehwi was cut of by the sound of repetitive ringing. His mother had ended the call before Daehwi could once again attempt to get answers. He slams the phone onto the receiver and walked towards the couch, each step was heavy and left deep marks on the soft carpet.  
  
This is not something a teenage boy should worry about at 11:35 in the evening. Teenage boys aren't given the privilege to open packages that are not for them. Teenage boys get enough pressure from school and they don't deserve to have another load added to their burdens.  
  
Daehwi decides to suck it all up and open the package. There was nothing he could do but hope for some miracle inside the package, he thought for a moment that the package would contain papers saying his mother will come home but that hopeful dream faded the moment Daehwi laid his eyes on the documents.  
  
This document is to certify that Lee Daehwi will be withdrawing from his first year of high school program due to Migration to another country. The set date of withdrawal is on May 8th and the set date of Migration is on May 10th.

  
  
**April 1st, 6:30 PM KST**  
  
The weight of the shocking news became a burden and Daehwi couldn't concentrate the entire day. His photos turned out blurry and tedious, except for the ones that had Jinyoung in them but they didn't have that spark. Jinyoung noticed his best friend's restlessness and suggested that they call it a day. Somehow, after a long silence, they ended up eating at a grilled meat restaurant, and although Jinyoung only had a little money left, he opted to pay for everything. It pained him to see his best friend troubled so if he has to use up all his money just to cheer up Daehwi, then he'd do it.  
  
"Do you want to talk about it?" Jinyoung asks while he carefully sets each slice of meat on the grill.  
  
Daehwi was avoiding eye contact with his best friend, still being unable to bear the thought of breaking the news to Jinyoung. He had his hands clasped together under the table, squeezing them tightly when he feels the tension rise up to his stomach. He had to say it.  
  
"I'm leaving next month," he blurts out loudly, loud enough for other guests to hear. Jinyoung, who was carefully placing meat on the grill, dropped the last slice onto the table and the metal tong onto the grill.  
  
No words could describe how devastated Jinyoung was. His heart was shattering but he didn't let Daehwi see him break. How do you stop someone from leaving? To be more appropriate, how do you make someone stay?  
  
"You're joking...right?" Jinyoung says softly as he sits down and turns off the grill for a while. His words came out crooked because of all the stuttering.  
  
"Sadly, I'm not." Daehwi says, with the saddest expression Jinyoung has ever seen on his best friend's face. It was sadder than the look Daehwi had when he found out his father had passed away, and because of that, the more Jinyoung suffered.  
  
"I mean it's April Fools...you can be lying to me right now." Jinyoung replies with a chuckle that sounded more depressing that happy. He still tried convincing himself that his best friend wasn't leaving and they'd still be together for a long time.  
  
"I wouldn't lie to the person who means the most to me."

  
  
**May 8th, 12:15 PM KST**  
  
"I'm going to miss seeing you every morning," Jinyoung says sadly as he watched his best friend look over the horizon. There special spot, the school's rooftop, won't be the same once Daehwi leaves. The memories they made here will forever be lost the moment one of them finally leaves.  
  
"It's not like I'm going to die," Daehwi chuckles but it makes his best friend look down onto the floor.  
  
"I don't think you understand," Jinyoung whispers to himself and luckily Daehwi doesn't hear it and if he did then he doesn't question it. "I guess you'll find another muse, yeah?" Jinyoung says with a hint of bitterness in his tone.  
  
"That reminds me," Daehwi evades the question and turns around to face Jinyoung. "Can you stay with me before I leave?" He asks as he approaches Jinyoung, ready to embrace him.  
  
"Please let me stay with you," Jinyoung mutters as he quickly grasps the opportunity to hug his best friend. This may be one of the last hugs they will ever share, and it saddened Jinyoung but Daehwi still didn't understand.

  
  
**May 9th, 8:39 PM KST**  
  
"Polaroids are nice and it saddens me that I only realized this now," Daehwi sighs as he held up his Polaroid camera and handed over to Jinyoung the shots he took. Every shot he took was of Jinyoung, but they weren't quite finished yet. "I like how I can carry around a picture of you instead of going through the trouble of unlocking my phone and scrolling through my gallery. But then again...my gallery is mostly just pictures of you so that takes away a second from the process."  
  
Jinyoung was listening to his friend talk about his adoration for Polaroids while he himself was mesmerized by the printed picture. He wasn't being vain by staring at his picture, he just wanted to have a picture of Daehwi printed on one of the films for him to carry around.  
  
"Amazing aren't they?" Daehwi whispers to Jinyoung, who flinches when he felt Daehwi's warm breath on his neck. He accidentally dropped the photos and pouted because he felt bad about dropping the pictures his friend took.  
  
Both of them went on the floor to pick up the scattered pictures and when they were about to pick up the last one, their hands met and so did their eyes. It was an empty house but just the two of them made it feel like home. Neither of them spoke and neither of them pulled away their hand. It was just the two of them and it felt so right but at the same time, reality had different plans.  
  
"Can I take a picture of you this time? I just don't want to forget this moment because it may be our last." Jinyoung says softly, with a small smile on his face.  
  
"Alright...but I doubt that this will be our last."  
  
"I hope so too."

  
  
**May 10th, 3:36 PM KST**  
  
"Happy birthday!" Daehwi greets Jinyoung for the nth time that day but sadly each greeting felt closer to a goodbye.  
  
They were at the airport by that time, and Daehwi's flight was about to start letting passengers on board in a few minutes. What a great way to spend someone's birthday, right? Seeing your best friend leave right before your eyes on your special day really gets to you, especially if your best friend is your only happiness.  
  
It's strange how only a few months ago they were happy without worry but now it feels like this is where there roads split and they will have to bid their farewells. Daehwi had gotten his best friend a distance bracelet that matched his as well as a new notebook for him to write it. It was simple but Jinyoung treasured it more than anything but a little less than how much treasured Daehwi.  
  
"I'm sorry if I have to leave on your birthday," Daehwi apologizes as he sets down one of his bags. He spreads his arms out wide open for Jinyoung who ends up crying. It is in that moment that he realizes that this could possibly be his last time hugging Daehwi.  
  
They hugged, and it wasn't a casual one. It lasted longer than most of their hugs and it felt warmer. Daehwi could probably hear Jinyoung's heart beating, saying he doesn't want Daehwi to go. People started to stare at the pair but it didn't bother them because if they let go then it would definitely mean it's over.  
  
"Flight 756 to Los Angeles, California is now boarding. Passengers are reminded to be on board 5 minutes before predetermined flight time."  
  
"Don't let go," Jinyoung thinks as Daehwi slowly separated himself from their embrace. His heart completely shattered when Daehwi let go and kept looking back at the flight schedule. If only his heart could do the talking for him, but sadly organs aren't given the capacity to do so.  
  
"I guess this is goodbye," Jinyoung says to momentarily brush off his pain.  
  
"I'd like to think of it as a see you soon?" Daehwi replies to his best friend with a bright smile. "We'll meet again soon, so please wait for me?"  
  
"Hopefully," Jinyoung answers with a frail smile that confuses Daehwi. When Daehwi was about to say something in reply to Jinyoung, his best friend was the first to push him towards the gate. "Go on! You'll miss your flight!" His friend says with a happy tone, but it doesn't completely convince Daehwi.  
  
The moment Jinyoung pushed Daehwi forward, he sensed that there was something wrong but there was nothing he could do about it. He can't miss his flight and pay for another ticket. Without a single complaint, he nodded his head and grabbed hold of his luggage and moved forward.  
  
"Don't forget me Lee Daehwi!"

 

* * *

  
Adjusting to Los Angeles was a difficult task for Daehwi. Even though he moved there to be closer to family, his mother still felt so distant. She was never home because of work and the earliest she'd be home is 2 in the morning, by that time Daehwi would either be sound asleep or chatting with his favorite person. The void left by Daehwi's mother was filled in by Jinyoung and at times it would overflow, but not as much as when they are together.  
  
Messenger apps are the only way for the two to communicate especially when calls have become something rare. Can you blame them? When Daehwi is awake, Jinyoung is either busy or already sleeping and it's the same for Jinyoung. Time is not in their favor, they miss each other but they keep missing each other because of the 13 hours time difference. Neither of them thought things through and in one way or another, both of them regret the choices they've made. Daehwi regrets letting his mother choose for him, he regrets not being able to say no to the migration and he regrets leaving his beloved best friend. Meanwhile Jinyoung regrets not making Daehwi choose to stay, he regrets that he was the one who pushed Daehwi to get on his flight, and he regrets keeping things in the dark. With each message they send the more their regrets haunt them at night.

  
  
**June 17th, 6:30 AM KST**  
  
Jinyoung is honest and would never lie to anyone, especially his best friend, but he looked at lying at a different perspective. He never lies but he keeps things the dark, far away from anyone. He believed that lying and hiding something are two completely different things as long as his secret is not brought into the light, then he is in fact not lying. And for a year, that is what he has been doing, not lying but keeping things in the dark.  
  
"Jinyoung," his mother calls his attention. They were in the kitchen that morning, his mother was packing his lunch as he ate leftovers from last night.  
  
"Hmm?" Jinyoung hums in response to his mother. He didn't exactly have words to utter because he knew where their conversation was heading and he was tired of being reminded every single day.  
  
"They said you were getting worse," his mother says sadly, almost at tears as she looked at her son. "It's never too late-" He didn't let his mother finish another round of convincing him to do what she wants. Following his mother would mean having to deal with a lot more pain so he chooses to live his life without fearing the outcome of his choices.  
  
"It's alright," Jinyoung tells his mother with a not so reassuring smile. He stands up from his seat and brings his plates to the sink. His disheartened mother just sighs, holding back her tears, as she watches her son act normally even though things are not so normal.  
  
She finishes packing his lunch but on impulse she packs two lunch boxes, the other one would be for Daehwi. This isn't the first time she packed two inside of one, on other days she would pack two and on some days she wouldn't pack any. Once Jinyoung notices this, he takes hold of the other as well and places it inside his bag, along with his own lunch. He doesn't make it evident that it upsets him. He's upset that he has to remember that he now spends his lunch mostly alone at the roof top.  
  
Before heading for the door he gives his mom a peck on the cheek and another smile. "I'll be home later," he tells her before slipping on his shoes and walking outside. The smile he puts on disappears as he walks towards the elevator. As he rode the elevator, he began to reminisce on the days when Daehwi would sleep over or would barge in at 6 in the morning.  
  
He stood outside the building of his apartment complex before taking out his phone to message Daehwi.

  
**To: Sodu-hwi**  
_**Mom packed two lunches again. She misses you too.** _

  
  
Sadly, Daehwi was not able to reply within that day.

  
  
**September 17th, 4:30 PM PDT**  
  
Daehwi was leaning back on his seat with his eyes closed. His body and mind were tired of the constant adjustments he had to make to fit in. There were those who liked him the moment he walked into school but there were people who made jokes about his appearance. It was a daunting experience but he had to go through it all to survive in his new environment. What made it worse is that he misses his home and the warmth it brings him whenever he was there. This home didn't have four walls or a roof, but it was just two arms and a small head.  
  
When he first arrived in Los Angeles, he took so many pictures and would send most of them to Jinyoung. But as time passed, he lost the spark that Jinyoung had left him with before they parted at the airport. He also didn't have enough time to snap photos every now and then because he was too preoccupied with school and his part-time job at a fast food chain. It would be a miracle if he was able to hold a conversation with Jinyoung for an hour before he went to bed.

  
  
**To: Sodu Jinyounggie**  
**_day off today!! but you're asleep :(_**

  
  
He hated not having time for Jinyoung. He hated himself for not being able to express his love properly through their friendship. The only good thing about their separation is him knowing that Jinyoung is doing okay without him. All the pictures his best friend sends is filled with smiles and great lighting. Each picture was saved on his phone so whenever he felt down he would scroll through these. Pictures of Jinyoung at the beach, with flowers, at a dog cafe, and with new friends. He's happy for Jinyoung but at the same time, he wishes he was there with him to enjoy those moments and witness them for himself.  
  
The messages Jinyoung had sent Daehwi before showed no hint of sorrow or regret, other than those that were sent early in the morning because Jinyoung's mother packed an extra lunch meant for Daehwi. It felt like daggers being stabbed into his heart but the feeling of relief alleviated the pain because at least he was aware that Jinyoung was moving forward even without him.  
  
"Daehwi-ah, come down here!" His mother shouts from downstairs. It shocked Daehwi because it was too early for his mother to be home.  
  
"Coming," Daehwi answers as he walks downstairs to greet his mother. "You're home early..." He tells her and in return she gives him a smile drenched with sadness.  
  
"I have news for you," his mother tells him, still concealing her sadness behind a smile.  
  
"What is it?" He asks, with a confused expression on his face.  
  
"You're going to be visiting South Korea for 10 days!"

* * *

 

**October 15th, 3:30 AM**

Daehwi was at loss for words. It has almost been a month since his mother told him about flying out to South Korea again. The only difference was that his mother was with him. At first Daehwi felt skeptical and thought about how strange things are. He doesn’t understand what made his mother want to fly back to South Korea all of a sudden. His mother has always refused his proposals of visiting him but now she’s the one with the drive to travel all the way to place that made her heart break twice. No questions were asked about the strangeness of things because Daehwi had no complaints as long as he was given the opporunity to see Jinyoung again.

“How’s Jinyoung been doing while I was away?” Daehwi’s mother asks him as they sat amidst the silence of the aircraft. It was a question Daehwi didn’t expect his mother to ask him because he never talks about him to her.

“He’s doing alright...he seems happy, I guess,” Daehwi shrugs in reply to his mother. It was difficult for him to communicate with his mother, as proof this has been one of the longest conversation they have ever held since he came to Los Angeles. “Why’d you suddenly ask?”

The was a glint of sadness his mother’s eyes but he couldn’t fully understand why his mother was acting that way so he remained silent.

“I hope he is,” his mother smiles weakly before looking away from her son.

His mother’s reply sounded weird to him for some reason. He wanted to ask her to expound on it but just when he gathers enough courage to do so, he notices that his mother was already sound asleep. For the rest of the plane ride, he looks out the window and contemplates on whether his mother was implying something or was just looking out of Jinyoung as well.

But why would she look out for Jinyoung when she doesn’t even remember their pet goldfish’s name?

 

  
**October 15th, 2:45 PM**

Hundreds of people crowd the airport just like any other day. The building is immediately filled with hopes and dreams of those who arrive and are about to depart to embark on their new journey. In a similar way, the hopes of passerby, family, and friends for their beloved’s return does not lose its value. This hope is what brings warmth to the busling airport, and relief to those who have finally come home after their long journey. The end place would always be in the arms of the person or people that you love.

As Daehwi walked out, his eyes immediately scower the airport, and stops once he locks eyes with his best friend. Neither of them wasted a second and quickly rushed through the crowd to hug each other at the same spot where they first split up. Luckily Daehwi’s mom caught her son’s bag as he sped off into the loving arms of his home.

Jinyoung still smelled like fresh flowers even though it was already autumn. In their embrace they kept each other warm and safe, mutually protected from the reality that sped by them. They remained in their embrace for what seemed like an eternity, but they do not wish to be apart just yet, especially Jinyoung who was holding on to Daehwi as if his life depended on it.

After a while, they decided to let to go because they were beginning to block the path. Jinyoung grabbed hold of Daehwi’s shoulders and pushed him backwards a bit. He leveled his face to align with Daehwi’s and locked eyes with his best friend.

“10 days, let’s make it count.”

 

**October 26th, 7:20 AM; D-10**

Happiness meant waking up to your beloved cooking breakfast in the kitchen. And on Daehwi’s first day back in Korea, Jinyoung wore his pink apron as he cooked Daehwi’s favorite breakfast combination, pancakes folded with bananas and chocolate spread with bacon on the side. Just the aroma coming from the kitchen was enough to get the smaller boy up on his feet and to walk to the kitchen. From the side he watches Jinyoung and admires how the boy is so fixated on cooking breakfast. He chuckles and catches the attention of the boy flipping pancakes.

“Good morning,” Jinyoung greets with a bright smile which makes Daehwi blush.

“Good...morning,” the little boy stutters because he still can’t get over how cute Jinyoung’s smile is and how his morning started off so well.

“Have a seat, I’ll be finished with these soon,” Jinyoung tells him with a soft chuckle. He was embarrassed to be wearing the pink apron Daehwi got him as a gag gift last Christmas.

“Take your time please. I feel twice as happy as you are just by watching you cook me breakfast.”

“I really hope I make you happy because that’s what you deserve.”

  
**October 27th, 2:30 PM; D-9**

“Do you still take pictures?” Jinyoung asks Daehwi who was sitting on the swing while he was standing up and leaning on the swing’s poles.

Daehwi shrugs when Jinyoung asked him the question. He didn’t know what to reply, especially because photography has been an art which they both enjoyed. It might sadden Jinyoung to hear the truth but it was better to remain honest rather than keep thigns hidden.

“I haven’t taken one for over a month now because ever since I left and we grew apart, I lost that spark you lit in me.” Daehwi tells Jinyoung with a sad smile but doesn’t make it obvious that he’s afraid of his best friend’s disappointment. “And sadly, no view or scenery could compare to you.”

Jinyoung did not speak for a few minutes, which worried Daehwi a lot. He felt a lump in his throat and kept his eyes on his best friend, hoping for some sort of reaction or at most a response. Was he too open with his emotions? Or is he just worried that maybe Jinyoung finds everything uttered to be unsettling? It was a mix of both but a small percentage is filled with Daehwi’s hopes and dreams of being loved by his best friend.

“Well, I guess that’s better than expected? I thought you didn’t want to send any to me because you don’t deem me worthy to see your work.”

“I would only want to show you beautiful things and maybe that’s why I always take pictures of you because I want you to see the beauty you have within yourself.”

Jinyoung laughs softly before sitting on the seat next to Daehwi’s on the swing. As much as it worried Daehwi, he was too mesmerized by the sight of his best friend. Once again, he finds himself falling deeper in love with his best friend.

“You see me beautifully even though I have shown you nothing but my ugliness,” Jinyoung says as he leans back to gain momentum on the swing.

“Even your ugliness is filled with beauty and maybe I’d rather see that side of you rather than see a fabricated persona of my best friend.”

 

**October 28th, 9:45 PM; D-8**

In the darkness of the night, they walk together with their arms interlocked. Their usual convenience store was still open so they chose to walk inside. The automated door still makes the same beeping sound whenever they enter but the staff behind the counter was different. The employee watched them in silence, knowing of the secret that Daehwi did not know of.

“I missed the convenience store ramen,” Daehwi says as he walks over to the aisle where the food station was placed.

“Don’t they sell this stuff in America too?” Jinyoung asks his best friend who was excitedly looking around for their late night snack.

“Well...they do but...”

“But?”

“But it tastes different when I eat ramen with you at night by the river bank,” Daehwi says, looking over his shoulder to spot his best friend. Although they didn’t meet eyes, Daehwi admired Jinyoung’s side profile.

“Hmm...everything felt different from the moment you left though.”

“I know.”

 

**October 29th, 10:23 AM; D-7**

Warm packs and (stomach pain medicine) were scattered on Jinyoung’s bed while a whining boy grumbles in pain. He rolls over, his back facing his best friend while he continues to cuddle a pillow.

“You shouldn’t have eaten two extra sausages last night,” Jinyoung scolds his best friend as he caresses the boy’s hair.

“Of all the days in my life, why is it only now that I am sick?” Daehwi whines and grips the pillow even tighter.

“Because you eat too much,” Jinyoung jokes but Daehwi reacts to this by kicking Jinyoung’s forearm. “I’m just kidding so please don’t hurt me.”

“I won’t hurt my beloved,” Daehwi says without trying to hide his feelings this, hopefully to catch Jinyoung’s attention. To his dismay, his best friend was not paying attention his indirect confession.

 

**October 30th, 11:01 AM; D-6**

“Can Jinyoung come over today?” Daehwi asks Jinyoung’s mother. For the first time since he was back in Korea, they weren’t together. Every second that passed felt like an hour and Daehwi could not contain the sadness he felt when his best friend couldn’t pick up.

“I’m sorry but Jinyoung can’t come to the phone right now, Daehwi-ah,” Jinyoung’s mother said. And before Daehwi could reply he heard a beeping sound, as if coming from a pulse monitor.

“Oh, well can you please-“ Daehwi was cut off when Jinyoungks mother dropped the call. For a brief moment, Daehwi thought of the worst things possible but dismissed the idea of Jinyoung distancing himself from him.

Maybe distancing wasn’t the real issue. Daehwi had a terrible gut feeling that morning.

 

**October 31st, 1:13 AM; D-5**

Daehwi laid on his bed, with his camera beside him and the back of his palm placed on top of his eyes. Nothing seemed to fall into the right place that night. Not even the shots he took of the scenery looked presentable, they were even worse that before. His camera wasn’t broken, but his imagination was because he lacked inspiration. of course he lacked inspiration, his best friend, his muse, wasn’t around to pose in front of the camera.

On days that they were together 1 in the morning would be the time when they felt alive. But at 1:13 AM, Daehwi sat in darkness, feeling nothing but loneliness and longing. The space between them felt wider as each day passed when they didn’t see each other. Maybe it’s just Daehwi overthinking things at this hour but one thing is sure, time isn’t getting longer for the both of them.

A notification breaks the silence within the room and Daehwi did not waste any time. He got his phone and unlocked it, to see a new message from his best friend.

 

**From: Sodu Jinyounggie**

_**I’ll be out until the tomorrow :( you okay?** _

 

The lonliness and longing, that Daehwi felt, intensified because that single text. It wasn’t anything major but somehow something felt off. There was something weird going on but once again Daehwi just smile and replied to Jinyoung’s text.

 

**To: Sodu Jinyounggie**

_**That’s sad to hear :( and im okay, i hope you are too.** _

 

“But the truth is, I’m not okay because I’m missing you so much.” Daehwi said before sitting back on his swivel chair.

For the rest of the night, Daehwi sat on his swivel chair, waiting for a reply that never came.

 

**November 1st, 3:43 PM; D-4**

“It’s All Souls day tomorrow,” Jinyoung’s mother brought up as they sat in their living room that afternoon. She was arranging flowers to put in her vase and sealing envelops that have invitations inside.

“Maybe you’ll get the chance to celebrate next year?” Jinyoung says while he scribbles inside his notebook. His mother looks at him with teary eyes but holds it back because she didn’t want her son to see her cry.

“Hopefully I won’t have to,” she tells her son before sealing the last envelop and placing the last white rose into her vase. “I don’t want to think about it yet, it’s too painful to imagine.”

“Well you have to get used to it at some point.”

“If you think it’s that easy for people to accept then why haven’t you told Daehwi yet?”

The moment his mother finished her argument, Jinyoung looked down and closed his notebook. A thought that has been haunting him for a while now, yet he chooses to let it corrupt him more and more. There was no turning back at that point.

“Well...I just can’t.”

 

**November 2nd, 12:54 PM; D-3**

“Are we seriously going to Lotte World?” Daehwi asks Jinyoung as his mother drove them to the famous amusement park.

“Yes, well just the two of you,” Daehwi’s mother says as she drove them in the car she had rented for the time being. “It’s my treat so don’t worry about anything and just have fun!”

Daehwi couldn’t help but feel giddy in the backseat because today felt like a good day. Just being with Jinyoung makes his day complete already, but the idea of Lotte World with his best friend is something beyond expectations. He didn’t know why his mother is suddenly being so nice and giving them these opportunities but he had no complaints whatsoever. He held hands with Jinyoung and drifted to sleep on the way there.

The moment they stepped inside, Daehwi took the lead and grabbed Jinyoung’s hand. There was not a single second that he wanted to waste with his best friend. Lottle World wasn’t that crowded that day, so they lined up for every single ride they were allowed on. Upon Jinyoung’s request, they even went inside a haunted house which made Daehwi cling onto his arm as if his life depended on it. It was a great laugh for Jinyoung but it somehow hurt a lot. A bittersweet laugh because there was nothing he could do but to smile and enjoy the moment.

“How can i take this memory with me when we’re going to be far apart again soon?” Daehwi sighs as they sat on one of the horses on the Merry-Go-Round.

“Take photographs of me like you used to. I want you to remember me, at least,” Jinyoung says with a small smile on his face. The sadness was there but Daehwi was too caught up in the moment and couldn’t see anyting other than the glow of the boy in front of him.

“I won’t forget you. No matter how hard I try, I can never forget you.”

“I hope that your words remain as alive as we are now.”

 

**November 3rd, 1:28 PM; D-2**

“Hey,” Jinyoung says as he looks at the ceiling while laying down on Daehwi’s bed. He was keeping Daehwi company as his best friend was packing his things for his flight back to Los Angeles.

“Hi,” Daehwi replies with a soft giggle afterwards. He was sitting on the floor with his clothes still scattered while his socks were already neatly folded.

“I have a weird existential question for you,” Jinyoung tells Daehwi. He rolls over to his side, now with his stomach laying flat on the soft bed.

“Fire away sodu,” Daehwi says as he continues to fold his clothes and stuffing them inside his luggage.

“If one day I died and you were somewhere far away, what would you do?”

“That’s a strange question...” Daehwi shrugs but Jinyoung just looks him in the eyes, silently anticipating an answer. No words were needed because Daehwi could tell how much his best friend was waiting for an answer. “Well, if you died then I wouldn’t be able to live in this world but I’ll keep walking on this earth until my last breath so the memory of you will still continue to live on.”

“Thank you,” Jinyoung says to his best friend before walking over to him and giving him a warm embrace.

“Why are you thanking me for?” Daehwi asks in confusion. His best friend was acting weird and he had no idea why.

“No reason at all,” Jinyoung laughs at his best friend before letting go of him.

Deep down, things were slowly falling into place but Daehwi was too slow in putting the pieces together.

 

**November 4th, 7:15 PM; D-1**

“Can’t I just stay here for the night?” Daehwi ask, pouting at his best friend. It was the one of the last evenings he would be able to spend with Jinyoung for a while but for some reason Jinyoung’s mother wouldn’t let him stay over.

“I’m so sorry,” Jinyoung says. As Daehwi listened, he senses the panic and distraught in Jinyoung’s voice and as much as he wants to hug him, he can’t because that would trigger him even more.

“It’s alright, we’ll see each other tomorrow.” Daehwi assures Jinyoung by holding his hand and caressing it softly. He thought that he made the right call but to his surprise, or should I say heartbreak, Jinyoung burst into tears. 

Both of them crouched down at the door of Jinyoung's door. It was a terrible sight to see, especially if you're up close and the person breaking into pieces is the person you love the most. Back rubs and hugs were not enough to calm the unending flow of tears from Jinyoung's eyes. All Daehwi could do was whisper words of comfort to silently heal even just a part of the boy. But little did Daehwi know that his healing would inflict greater wounds on him and leave scars that will be tinted with regret. 

After a while, Jinyoung fell asleep. His tears finally stopped flowing, leaving tear stains on his cheeks and perspiration beaded in his hair and forehead. Daehwi and Jinyoung's mom placed the sleeping boy on the couch before walking back towards the door. There was no reason for Daehwi to be there since Jinyoung needed to rest and his best friend's mother would want that for her son as well. 

"Thank you for calming down my son, he's really happy to have someone like you in his life." Jinyoung's mother said, placing a hand on Daehwi's shoulder and patted it. There was silence between them because both of them, especially Daehwi, was worried about Jinyoung and the way he broke down just a while ago.

"He's going to be okay, right?" Daehwi asks Jinyoung's mother but instead of replying with words she just smiles as him. No words would come out of her mouth because of the pain she was currently experiencing.

"It's getting late hun, please take care of yourself." She told Daehwi before giving his another pat on the shoulder. Daehwi only nodded but still focused his eyes on Jinyoung who was resting silently on the couch. As the door closed so did everything in Daehwi's world. For some reason, he felt nauseated and weak but just a few hours ago he was happy playing UNO with Jinyoung in his room.

The moment he walked away from Jinyoung's house, the image of Jinyoung becoming paler by the minute remained vivid in his memories. On a breezy fall evening, the rose that is Jinyoung slowly wilts, leaving no petals at the stem.

 

**November 5th, 2:20 AM; D-DAY**

In the middle of the night Jinyoung texts Daehwi, luckily his best friend was still awake at that hour. He was thinking of how he was going to spend his last day with Jinyoung and how much he'll miss him when they have to part again.

 

**From: Sodu Jinyounggie**

_**can you buy me flowers :( white stargazers if you can.** _

__

**To: Sodu Jinyounggie**

_**what are the flowers for? :o** _

 

**From: Sodu Jinyounggie**

_**for a friend of mine :( I'll test you the room number later** _

 

Daehwi's suspicion rose at the mention of flowers but he let it slide because he thought Jinyoung was upset over what happened to his  _friend_. After their conversation ended, Daehwi went back to thinking about his last day. He's immensely happy because he was given the opportunity to fly over to Korea to see his best friend again but at the same time he wishes he could just stay here. The only thing he could think of doing before leaving is something he has never dared to do because of his fears. He feared the possible outcome so much but if he kept his secret all to himself then regret would haunt him as well. 

Daehwi feared losing Jinyoung if he knew his best friend loved him.

 

**November 5th, 1:01 PM; D-DAY**

Daehwi stood in front of the hospital Jinyoung had texted him about a while ago. It confused him the moment he arrived but it made sense to visit a friend with flowers to show respect. The boy went to the information desk and logged in as a guest before going there himself. As Daehwi turned his back and walked away from the desk, the receptionist looked down, feeling sorry for Daehwi who was clueless of everything.

"Room 109, huh?" Daehwi says as he looked up at the placard on top of the door. He knocks and slowly he slid the door open. Immediately his entire body grew numb and he lost the feeling in his legs. He felt his chest tighten and his eyes widen at the sight in front of him. Not a single sound came from him as he struggled to approach the hospital bed. 

A lifeless body laid on top of that bed that afternoon. The body of the boy with a small head, defined facial features, long arms, skinny build, and so many more descriptions that Daehwi could muster up. _How could this be?_ Daehwi wanted to ask anyone present in that room, but at a single glance Jinyoung's mother understood perfectly what was running through her son's best friend's mind.

"He left something for you. I think it's better if you read it," she hands over a small envelope to him before wiping her tears again.

Daehwi slowly opened the enveloped and unfolded the multiple pages of the handwritten letter. Oh how beautiful is the handwriting of his beloved best friend.

 

_n this day I lay in peace with a deep regret, but i lay in peace with the thought of spending my last moments with you. I'm sorry if I lay before you with my chest steady, my eyes permanently close, all dressed in white, and you standing with a bouquet of flowers in hand. I'm sorry if the last memory you'll have of me is not a happy one, but a heartbreaking one instead. There was no way I could have told you the truth, because knowing you, you'd blame it all on yourself._

_May 10th, we parted ways. It was a bittersweet moment but it was the right thing to do. Letting you go was the only way for me to move forward even though each step felt like a thousand pounds added to my chest. I didn't know why I told you to go and catch your flight. I didn't know why I just stood there, waving like a fool as the distance between us lengthened, from centimeters to thousands of kilometers real quick. I smiled even though there was no reason for me to do, but smiles could only go so far without cracking and revealing what hide beneath. A tear rolled down my cheek, and for each one that followed I wished for you to come back to me._

_You called and texted but time didn't grant us the freedom to do so oftenly. We often missed each other, the same way we missed each other's presence. You had a part time job, you'd often text me how difficult it was and how much you wanted to quit, so who was I to add to your dismay? I acted as if everything was okay, even before you left, so you didn't have to carry the heavy burden that I did. Each time I typed something that showed how much I was suffering, I would backspace it all and lie to you. It was the only way for me to ensure that you had less burdens upon your shoulder and luckily, it worked._

_There were so many things that were left unsaid, especially words that were should have been uttered when only centimeters came between us. Now, the gap between us has widened and I am no longer able to tell you personally the things I have kept so long. That is why I wrote you this letter, to put into light the things I have kepts in the dark for so long._

_First, whenever I told you I was visiting my father in his house in Busan, I was actually at the hospital. You were stressing out over so many things so I decided to keep this under wraps because knowing you, you'd give me the same sermon my mother gives every morning. Maybe if I told you from the very beginning then maybe I would stillbe beside you, not cured but at least I would be able to see your smile that shined brighter than the sun. A tumor was found in my brain over two years ago, but until my very last breathe, I declined all suggestions and offers for treatment._

_I was a fool for thinking that this was the only way to protect you, but as I write this letter I can already envision your sudden breakdown. I'm so sorry for not thinking this through. But I hope you know that I thought this was going to be for the best. I declined the treatments because I didn't want you to see me in a pitiful state. I didn't want you to feel sorrow for the rest of your days, but sadly everything that I thought was right turned out to be another list of mistakes._

_I'm sorry._

_Second, I regret not letting you read any of my poems. It struck me that we're always together but you've never read a single poem that I wrote. But in the end, they're all about you. You can ask my mother for my notebook if you're ever so curious about what I write, rest assured that they're all good things._

_And most of all, I regret not being able to say I love you when I had the chance. I let so many opportunities fly out the window that I decided that letting you go was for the better because you might not feel the same way at all. I was too afraid of rejection that I decided to the reject the idea of loving my best friend because I know he will never love me the way I love him. Maybe until we meet in the after life, I will carry this heavy regret on my chest, limiting me and never letting me move forward. I'll be satisfied with being able to carry the heavy weight as long as it is the love I feel for you._

_As much as I want to keep writing, my hand is not able to do so anymore, so I have to cut our small chat here my love._

_P.S. Please give my thanks to Make A Wish Foundation because without them, my last 10 days would be spent in isolation and longing for my best friend. And please take care of yourself because I can't anymore._

_P.P.S. I love you and I'm sorry._

_-Jinyoung_

 

 

* * *

 

**5 Years Later**

"Hey, it's been a while since we last talked to each other. Of course it's just me talking to your urn but it's alright. Until now the scars you left me are still slowly healing but I don't think they will leave me because just like you, they've become a part of me. I still live with the same regret as you, sadly. I still wake up every day thinking, damn I should have told him how I felt and maybe then we would still be here today. Not here with the deceased, but at our apartment near our chosen university. But here I am today, standing firm and trying to keep moving forward to keep the memory of you alive. Don't worry, I'll always remember you even 50 years after today. I hope you're happy up there, please be happy for me. I love you and goodbye." 


End file.
